Key Takeaways
- Defensiveness is a natural protective response—your job is to make it easier to get past, not to avoid triggering it entirely
- Focus on behavior and impact rather than character or intent
- Timing and setting matter: private, soon after the event, when both parties can focus
- Ask questions and listen—feedback should be a conversation, not a monologue
You need to give someone feedback. Real feedback—not praise, not a gentle suggestion, but something they need to hear and probably don't want to. This skill is just as essential as running better one-on-ones or mastering the art of delegation.
You know what happens next. Their walls go up. They explain, justify, deflect. The feedback bounces off. The conversation that was supposed to help them improve turns into a negotiation about whether the feedback is even valid.
Defensiveness is natural. Nobody likes hearing they're falling short. But if your feedback never lands, it can't help. The skill is in delivery that gets past the walls.
Why People Get Defensive
Defensiveness is a protective response. When someone feels attacked—even if you're not attacking—their instinct is to defend themselves.
This happens more intensely when feedback feels like it's about who they are rather than what they did. "You're disorganized" is an identity attack. "The report was submitted late and missing sections" is a description of behavior. The first triggers defensiveness; the second invites discussion.
Defensiveness also spikes when feedback feels unfair, surprising, or delivered without care. If someone feels ambushed, they'll fight. If they feel you're not seeing the full picture, they'll argue. If they feel you don't have their interests at heart, they won't trust the feedback.
Behavior, Not Character
The most important shift: focus on what someone did, not who they are.
Character-based feedback feels permanent. "You're bad at communication" implies a fixed trait. Where can someone go from there? They either have to accept that they're fundamentally flawed or reject the feedback entirely.
Behavior-based feedback is actionable. "In yesterday's meeting, you interrupted several people and talked over their points." That's something specific. It can be examined. It can be changed.
Character-based: "You're not a team player."
Behavior-based: "When you worked on the proposal without looping in the design team, it created rework and some frustration. What happened there?"
Notice the question at the end. You're opening a conversation, not delivering a verdict.
Impact, Not Intent
You don't know someone's intent. You know what happened and what impact it had.
Speculating about intent invites argument. "You clearly didn't care about the deadline" assumes motivation you can't prove. They'll argue that they did care, and now you're debating internal states instead of addressing the problem.
Focus on impact instead. "When the deadline was missed, the client lost confidence in our timeline and we had to spend extra time rebuilding trust." That's observable. It's not about whether they cared—it's about what happened and why it mattered.
Timing and Setting
When and where you deliver feedback matters as much as how.
Private, not public. Feedback in front of others feels like humiliation. Do it one-on-one.
Soon, not later. Feedback months after the fact loses context. The person doesn't remember the details. It feels like you've been holding a grudge. Address things while they're fresh.
Scheduled, not ambushed. Dropping serious feedback into a casual conversation catches people off guard. If it's significant, set up time to discuss it. "Can we talk about the client presentation? I have some thoughts I'd like to share."
When they can focus. Don't deliver feedback when someone is overwhelmed, rushing to something else, or having a terrible day. Pick a moment when they can actually receive it.
Start With Curiosity
Before delivering your assessment, try asking questions.
"How do you think that meeting went?" You might be surprised. They might already know something went wrong. They might have context you're missing. They might articulate the problem better than you would.
If they see the issue themselves, your job becomes easier. You're not convincing them of something—you're discussing something you both see.
If they don't see it, you've learned something important. Now you know you need to help them understand, not just deliver a conclusion they'll reject.
Listen to Their Response
Feedback is a conversation, not a speech. After you've shared your observation, listen.
They may have context that changes your view. They may be right that you missed something. They may not—but if you don't hear them out, you'll never know, and they'll never feel heard.
Listening doesn't mean backing down from valid feedback. It means treating them as a partner in understanding what happened and how to improve. The goal is their development, and development happens through dialogue.
Make It About Growth
Feedback that feels punitive triggers defense. Feedback that feels developmental invites engagement.
Frame feedback in terms of growth. "I'm sharing this because I want you to succeed, and this pattern could hold you back." Connect the feedback to their goals. Show that addressing it serves their interests, not just yours. This mindset is core to building a learning culture.
This isn't manipulation—it's true. You're giving feedback because you want them to improve. Make that intention visible.
Some defensiveness is inevitable. You're not trying to eliminate all discomfort—that's impossible with honest feedback. You're trying to minimize unnecessary defensiveness so the person can hear and use what you're saying.
Follow Up
Feedback doesn't end with the conversation. Follow up. Did they take it in? Are they working on it? What support do they need?
Following up shows that the feedback mattered—it wasn't a one-time criticism, it's something you're invested in helping them address. It also creates accountability without nagging. They know you're paying attention. Consider setting clear goals with OKRs and KPIs to track progress together.
JoySuite helps managers develop their feedback skills. Practice difficult conversations before having them. Access guidance on giving effective feedback when you need it. Build the capability to have conversations that help people grow.
