Key Takeaways
- Difficult conversations are often avoided because managers fear saying the wrong thing—a consistent framework removes the guesswork
- Use a clear structure: state the facts, explain the impact, listen to the perspective, and agree on the path forward
- Managers who navigate performance issues and bad news with clarity and empathy reduce defensiveness and confusion
Every manager faces conversations they'd rather avoid. The employee whose performance has slipped. The team member whose behavior is affecting others. The request for a promotion that you can't grant. The organizational change that will make people unhappy.
Most managers don't avoid these conversations because they're cowardly. They avoid them because they don't know what to say. They're afraid of making things worse, of saying the wrong thing, of an emotional reaction they can't handle. So they delay. And the problem gets worse.
What follows are frameworks and actual scripts for the most common difficult conversations. These aren't magic words—every situation is different, and you'll need to adapt. But having a structure makes the conversation far less intimidating and far more productive.
The Core Framework
Almost every difficult conversation follows the same basic structure. Master this framework and you can adapt it to virtually any situation.
The six-step framework: (1) State the purpose clearly, (2) Share specific observations, (3) Explain the impact, (4) Listen to their perspective, (5) Agree on a path forward, (6) Document and follow up.
Step 1: State the purpose clearly. Don't ease in with small talk and then ambush them. Open by explaining why you're meeting. "I want to talk about the client presentation last week" is clear and honest. Five minutes of chat about their weekend followed by "so, about that presentation..." feels manipulative.
Step 2: Share specific observations. Use facts and specific examples, not generalizations. "The last three project reports were submitted after the deadline" is specific. "You're always late with things" is a generalization that invites argument.
Step 3: Explain the impact. Help them understand why it matters. "When reports are late, the client team can't prepare for their Monday meetings, which affects our relationship with the account" connects behavior to consequences.
Step 4: Listen to their perspective. This is the step most managers skip or rush through. Ask: "What's your perspective on this?" or "Help me understand what's going on." Then actually listen. You might learn something that changes your understanding of the situation.
Step 5: Agree on a path forward. Don't just identify the problem—define what happens next. Be specific about expectations, timelines, and how you'll both know if things are improving.
Step 6: Document and follow up. After the conversation, send a brief summary of what was discussed and agreed upon. Then actually follow up at the agreed-upon time. Most difficult conversations fail not in the conversation itself but in the lack of follow-through. Use your regular one-on-ones as natural checkpoints.
Scenario 1: Performance Isn't Meeting Expectations
This is probably the most common difficult conversation, and the one managers delay the longest. The gap between expected and actual performance keeps growing while everyone pretends it's not happening.
Sample script: "Thanks for sitting down with me. I want to talk about your performance over the past quarter, specifically regarding [specific area]. I've noticed [specific examples with dates and details]. For example, [concrete example]. The impact is [explain consequence to team, project, or organization]. I want to understand your perspective—what's been going on? [Listen.] Here's what I need to see going forward: [specific, measurable expectations]. Let's check in on this in [timeframe]. I want to support you in getting there—what do you need from me?"
Key principles for performance conversations: Be specific, never vague. Use examples with dates. Focus on behaviors and outcomes, not character. Make expectations for improvement crystal clear. And genuinely ask what support they need—sometimes performance issues stem from obstacles you can remove. Identifying skill gaps early helps you address issues before they become serious problems.
What most managers get wrong is softening the message so much that the employee doesn't realize there's a serious problem. If you leave a performance conversation and the employee thinks everything is fine, you've failed. Kindness and clarity are not opposites. Learning to give feedback without triggering defensiveness is essential for these moments.
Scenario 2: Addressing Problematic Behavior
Behavioral issues are harder than performance issues because they feel more personal. Telling someone their work output needs improvement is one thing. Telling someone their behavior is negatively affecting colleagues is another.
Sample script: "I need to talk with you about something that's been brought to my attention, and I want to be straightforward. [Describe the specific behavior with specific examples.] I understand this might not be your intent, but the impact on the team has been [describe impact]. I've heard from [number, not names unless appropriate] team members that [effect on others]. I'd like to hear your perspective on this. [Listen.] Regardless of intent, the impact is something we need to address. Going forward, I need [specific behavioral change]. I'll check in with you in [timeframe] to see how things are going."
The critical distinction here is between intent and impact. The employee may not intend to be dismissive, intimidating, or disruptive. Their intent matters, but the impact on others matters too. Acknowledge that the intent may be different from the impact without excusing the impact.
Avoid characterizing the person. "You're aggressive in meetings" is a character judgment. "In the last three team meetings, you interrupted colleagues multiple times and raised your voice when disagreeing" is a behavioral observation. One provokes defensiveness. The other gives the person something specific to change.
Scenario 3: Denying a Promotion or Raise
This conversation is difficult because you're disappointing someone who cares about their career. The risk is either being so apologetic that you undermine the decision, or being so blunt that you damage the relationship.
Sample script: "I know you put in for [promotion/raise], and I want to talk about the decision honestly. We're not able to move forward with it right now, and I want to explain why and talk about what a path forward looks like. The decision came down to [honest, specific reason—not vague platitudes]. Here's what I think you need to develop to get there: [specific skills, experiences, or achievements]. I want to help you build toward this. Can we put together a development plan with specific milestones? I'm committed to supporting you in getting there."
Never say "it's just not the right time" or "maybe next cycle" without specifics. Vague denials feel dismissive and leave the employee with no actionable path forward—which is the fastest way to lose good people.
The worst thing you can do is be vague. "It's just not the right time" or "maybe next cycle" without specifics feels dismissive and gives the employee nothing to work toward. If there are specific gaps, name them. If the issue is organizational (budget, headcount), say so honestly. People can handle disappointing news far better than they can handle feeling like they're being given the runaround.
Scenario 4: Announcing Unwelcome News
Reorganizations, policy changes, benefit reductions, return-to-office mandates—sometimes you have to deliver news that people won't like and that you may not even agree with yourself. Often, follow-up questions about these changes flood managers, so having good resources for answering HR questions is crucial.
Sample script: "I want to share a change that's coming and give you the context behind it. [State the change clearly and directly.] The reason for this change is [honest explanation]. I know this isn't what you'd choose, and I understand the frustration. Here's what I know: [share what you can]. Here's what I don't know yet: [be honest about unknowns]. Here's what won't change: [anchor on stability where you can]. I want to hear your concerns and questions."
Key principles: Deliver the news first, then explain. Don't bury the headline under ten minutes of context. Be honest about what you know and don't know. Don't pretend to be enthusiastic about changes you're not enthusiastic about—people see through it and it destroys trust. And never throw leadership under the bus, even if you disagree with the decision.
The hardest version of this is when you disagree with the decision you're communicating. You can be honest that this wasn't your recommendation without undermining leadership. "This wasn't the direction I advocated for, but I understand the reasoning and I'm committed to making it work" is honest and professional.
General Principles
Across all these scenarios, several principles hold.
Don't postpone. The conversation doesn't get easier with time. The situation usually gets worse. Delaying answers always has a cost—have the conversation as soon as you've prepared, not when the problem has become a crisis.
Prepare, but don't script rigidly. Know your key points and the outcome you want. But don't read from a script—it feels robotic and you won't be able to respond naturally to what the other person says.
Manage your own emotions. If you're angry, wait until you're not. If you're nervous, that's fine—most people are. Being nervous and having the conversation anyway is courage, and people respect it.
Follow up. The conversation is the beginning, not the end. If you agreed on next steps, check in on them. If you said you'd provide information, provide it. If you committed to support, deliver it. The follow-through is where trust is built or broken.
Difficult conversations are a skill, not a talent. Nobody is naturally good at them. But with practice and a solid framework, every manager can learn to handle them with both honesty and empathy. Your team deserves that, and so do you.
JoySuite helps managers handle the follow-up. After difficult conversations, employees often have questions—about policy, about process, about what's next. Joy gives them answers instantly, so you're not the only source of information.
